Misunderstood

I've been struggling lately; physically (way more than I want), mentally, and spiritually.  The colder it gets, my joints ache and my fibromyalgia flares up - almost to the point of tears sometimes.  Aside from medication that knocks me out, there isn't much I can take to help with the pain.  (I refuse to take Lyrica; I gained about 20 pounds the last time I tried it.  I just don't need to add any more weight to my already overrun frame.)  On another note, amazingly enough, when I lost weight last year, the pains weren't near as bad.  Hmmm....could it be?


Anyway, I'm mentally exhausted; going back to school (which is wonderful), stress from having no job/work, and the headaches (from the pressure of trying to block out the physical pain) are enough to put the toughest man down.  And I'm NOT the toughest man, I can promise you.  Haha!  
But the spiritual struggle, that's the one that bothers me the most. I've had my moments in the past where I felt like just being bad, deliberately disobeying God, and pretending like I have no responsibility. It doesn't last long - and I'm always very ashamed of myself for acting so stupidly.  It's always easier to be "bad," but it never feels better in the long run.  And I ALWAYS feel better when I'm obedient to the will of God.  So why is there struggle?  UGH!!!!


And this struggle scares me because it is throwing me deeper into a depression that I'm finding it harder to climb out of.  Aside from my family, if I don't have to be around anybody, I don't want to be. I don't want anybody to "see" me for what I'm feeling or going through, and I hate being fake.  (Besides, I "wear" my feelings too well and people know when something's up!)


Another thing I'm getting is that people misunderstand what's going on with me and they make assumptions.  I shouldn't care what other people think - and for the most part, I don't.  However, I get angry when I'm misunderstood; especially if the misunderstanding suggests that I'm no longer willing to do my part or that I simply don't care.  It's typically the exact opposite and I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I can't turn things around.  It's a vicious cycle and I'm so very tired of it!


What my "concerned friends" don't see is that my apathy isn't apathy at all; it's fear that I'll screw up, depression because I don't feel needed or valued, guilt for feeling the way I do (especially when there are so many people facing more urgent/pressing matters) and an overwhelming urge to hibernate for months at a time.  On top of that, I KNOW THESE THINGS AREN'T HEALTHY!  I know all of this...and I guess that's why people who don't suffer with depression misunderstand the disorder.  *deep sigh*  Sadly, I've felt this way for so long that I no longer want to burden my usual prayer warriors with my requests for help.  And while I wouldn't be burdening them, according to them, that guilt I was talking about earlier for feeling this way, it rears its ugly head; I feel like I'm always asking for prayer for the same things.  (Flashback: It's a vicious cycle and I'm so very tired of it!)


I've put myself out there with this post; opened myself up for ridicule and self-pity comments.  I accept that.  But my purpose for posting this is the hope that my friends will pray for me that God will pull me out of this depression.  That God will open my eyes to see what He wants for me.  That my thoughts and focus are fixed solely on Him and NOT on me.  That I can officially say I'm not depressed any more - and mean it!  


Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear unto my cry - That is, in view of my affliction and my sins; in view, also, of the perplexing questions which have agitated my bosom; the troublous thoughts which passed through my soul, which I did not dare to express before man Psalm 39:1-2 , but which I have now expressed before thee.  Reference Link