I've been struggling lately; physically (way more than I want), mentally, and spiritually. The colder it gets, my joints ache and my fibromyalgia flares up - almost to the point of tears sometimes. Aside from medication that knocks me out, there isn't much I can take to help with the pain. (I refuse to take Lyrica; I gained about 20 pounds the last time I tried it. I just don't need to add any more weight to my already overrun frame.) On another note, amazingly enough, when I lost weight last year, the pains weren't near as bad. Hmmm....could it be?
Anyway, I'm mentally exhausted; going back to school (which is wonderful), stress from having no job/work, and the headaches (from the pressure of trying to block out the physical pain) are enough to put the toughest man down. And I'm NOT the toughest man, I can promise you. Haha!
But the spiritual struggle, that's the one that bothers me the most. I've had my moments in the past where I felt like just being bad, deliberately disobeying God, and pretending like I have no responsibility. It doesn't last long - and I'm always very ashamed of myself for acting so stupidly. It's always easier to be "bad," but it never feels better in the long run. And I ALWAYS feel better when I'm obedient to the will of God. So why is there struggle? UGH!!!!
And this struggle scares me because it is throwing me deeper into a depression that I'm finding it harder to climb out of. Aside from my family, if I don't have to be around anybody, I don't want to be. I don't want anybody to "see" me for what I'm feeling or going through, and I hate being fake. (Besides, I "wear" my feelings too well and people know when something's up!)
Another thing I'm getting is that people misunderstand what's going on with me and they make assumptions. I shouldn't care what other people think - and for the most part, I don't. However, I get angry when I'm misunderstood; especially if the misunderstanding suggests that I'm no longer willing to do my part or that I simply don't care. It's typically the exact opposite and I'm overwhelmed by the fact that I can't turn things around. It's a vicious cycle and I'm so very tired of it!
What my "concerned friends" don't see is that my apathy isn't apathy at all; it's fear that I'll screw up, depression because I don't feel needed or valued, guilt for feeling the way I do (especially when there are so many people facing more urgent/pressing matters) and an overwhelming urge to hibernate for months at a time. On top of that, I KNOW THESE THINGS AREN'T HEALTHY! I know all of this...and I guess that's why people who don't suffer with depression misunderstand the disorder. *deep sigh* Sadly, I've felt this way for so long that I no longer want to burden my usual prayer warriors with my requests for help. And while I wouldn't be burdening them, according to them, that guilt I was talking about earlier for feeling this way, it rears its ugly head; I feel like I'm always asking for prayer for the same things. (Flashback: It's a vicious cycle and I'm so very tired of it!)
I've put myself out there with this post; opened myself up for ridicule and self-pity comments. I accept that. But my purpose for posting this is the hope that my friends will pray for me that God will pull me out of this depression. That God will open my eyes to see what He wants for me. That my thoughts and focus are fixed solely on Him and NOT on me. That I can officially say I'm not depressed any more - and mean it!
Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear unto my cry - That is, in view of my affliction and my sins; in view, also, of the perplexing questions which have agitated my bosom; the troublous thoughts which passed through my soul, which I did not dare to express before man Psalm 39:1-2 , but which I have now expressed before thee. Reference Link
Friday, December 23, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Pursuit of A Positive Attitude
Today's Encouraging Word from K-Love comes from Proverbs 15:1 ("A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.")
How does God do that? How does He know when my attitude is poor, that my nerves are frayed, and my first instinct is to snap at someone with sarcastic and biting words that hurt? DUH! He's God; He is all-knowing, all-powerful and ever-present. Thank goodness - because I wouldn't have a chance if He wasn't there to gently guide me back to Him.
I love to laugh and to be happy and to have the "fluff" of life; you know, smell the roses, and all that stuff. But there are thorns on roses, and while there might be a silver lining with every cloud, there usually comes a storm with thunder and lightning first. Right? (See the negative there?! Hold on, it'll get better, I promise.)
The thing is, God never promised us that life would be easy. In fact, He told us that we would have struggles, that we would be persecuted for our faith, that we might even be called to die for our faith. John the Baptist was beheaded, Peter was imprisoned, Stephen was stoned, and the list goes on and on. I know (some) non-believers reading this post are thinking, "Yeah, but those are characters in a book and stories from the Bible that have been repeated time and again and they're embellished." Well, guess what?! IT'S STILL HAPPENING! There are men, women and children being persecuted today in countries like China, India, Iraq, and too many more countries to name, who are being persecuted for their faith in Jesus Christ. So I repeat, God never promised us life would be easy! But God did promise us that He would never leave us or forsake us!!!
I know that God is with me all the time; He sees what I'm doing, He knows what I'm saying, and I will be judged one day for all of it. I'm not proud of a lot of my behaviors/words, but I'm willing to face God on judgment day without hesitation because He has forgiven me and I have been redeemed. Jesus Christ loves me! God loves me! The Holy Spirit lives within me! That is AMAZING! And I can't think of a better reason to choose to have a positive attitude all the time.
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How does God do that? How does He know when my attitude is poor, that my nerves are frayed, and my first instinct is to snap at someone with sarcastic and biting words that hurt? DUH! He's God; He is all-knowing, all-powerful and ever-present. Thank goodness - because I wouldn't have a chance if He wasn't there to gently guide me back to Him.
I love to laugh and to be happy and to have the "fluff" of life; you know, smell the roses, and all that stuff. But there are thorns on roses, and while there might be a silver lining with every cloud, there usually comes a storm with thunder and lightning first. Right? (See the negative there?! Hold on, it'll get better, I promise.)
The thing is, God never promised us that life would be easy. In fact, He told us that we would have struggles, that we would be persecuted for our faith, that we might even be called to die for our faith. John the Baptist was beheaded, Peter was imprisoned, Stephen was stoned, and the list goes on and on. I know (some) non-believers reading this post are thinking, "Yeah, but those are characters in a book and stories from the Bible that have been repeated time and again and they're embellished." Well, guess what?! IT'S STILL HAPPENING! There are men, women and children being persecuted today in countries like China, India, Iraq, and too many more countries to name, who are being persecuted for their faith in Jesus Christ. So I repeat, God never promised us life would be easy! But God did promise us that He would never leave us or forsake us!!!
I know that God is with me all the time; He sees what I'm doing, He knows what I'm saying, and I will be judged one day for all of it. I'm not proud of a lot of my behaviors/words, but I'm willing to face God on judgment day without hesitation because He has forgiven me and I have been redeemed. Jesus Christ loves me! God loves me! The Holy Spirit lives within me! That is AMAZING! And I can't think of a better reason to choose to have a positive attitude all the time.
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Thursday, June 16, 2011
Answered Prayers
My friend Carol is one of the sweetest, big-hearted, always-going-above-and-beyond persons I know! She knows her boundaries and when she makes up her mind about something, she's got a plan.
I've known her for a little over five years now; in that time, Carol has talked about being sober, how her past addictions cost her some of the most valuable relationships she ever had and some material things, as well. When she made her mind up to be a sober woman, wife and mother, Carol did it. It is a daily struggle and she continues to lean on her friends and sponsors to keep her accountable, but she is committed to mending those broken relationships. Not to mention that she has more energy than any grown woman I've ever seen!!! :) But I digress...
This morning, Carol called me as I walking out of the post office. She was crying, hysterical even, to the point she could barely speak. I was worried that the home inspection she had had last night had caused her new home purchase to fall through. Finally though, after two or three minutes, she was finally able to get out that her parents and her son (whom she's seen only once in the last eight years) were coming through Jackson and they wanted to see her and her new home. (She emphasized 'wanted' on more than one occasion.)
As Carol was telling me all this, she kept saying, "Thank you, Jesus, thank you!" And then, to me, "Gwen, this is an answer to long-time prayer. And I was just sitting here asking God to please let my momma answer my text - AND GWEN, I GOT THE TEXT!!!!"
Carol was talking to me and Jesus was "on the line with us." The pure, unadulterated joy that she was experiencing took my breath away! I cannot explain that feeling; it still has me overwhelmed! GOD IS GOOD!!!
Jesus is in the business of relationship-building, love, joy, happiness, justice, and all that is good - even when we're hurting! Carol was, and I believe, will remain to be faithful to pray AND FAITHFUL TO KNOW THAT GOD HEARS HER CRIES! It was such a powerful and inspiring moment that when we got off the phone, I was crying!
Carol sent me a text and emailed me before she actually saw her family, then again to send pictures of their time together at her new house, and then she called when the visit was over. Her visible/verbal joy is the epitome of what Jesus does for a person who enjoys a personal relationship with Him. It was a beautiful moment to be a part of and I will cherish that she chose to share it with me first! :)
I believe Carol knows how happy I was for her joy today, but I don't think she'll ever know how God used her to remind me of my daily blessings and how much I take for granted. I love her for that, and I also love her for her friendship, her boldness, and her willingness to put herself last - to serve others - time and time again. She may not know it, but we see her sacrifice every day! And one day, Carol is going to sit with Jesus and she will be handed a crown so full of jewels she'll never be able to pick it up!!!!!
I thought the following passage appropriate:
Jeremiah 31:20 (Whole Chapter)
"Oh! Ephraim is my dear, dear son, my child in whom I take pleasure! Every time I mention his name, my heart bursts with longing for him! Everything in me cries out for him. Softly and tenderly I wait for him." God's Decree.
"Oh! Ephraim is my dear, dear son, my child in whom I take pleasure! Every time I mention his name, my heart bursts with longing for him! Everything in me cries out for him. Softly and tenderly I wait for him." God's Decree.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
We Never Know
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I heard that a friend of mine lost her daughter this weekend - too soon. At 19, this beautiful girl had her whole life in front of her and a brand new baby boy to take care of. Nobody knows why it happens, we can't comprehend the pain that comes along with such loss, and it's impossible to find anything fair about it! It just happens and we can't do anything to stop it.
It sounds so cliche': "Live each day of your life as though it's the last." Is that possible? Every single day? Can we look past the little things that bog us down and away from that path where we take our blessings for granted?
My heart is breaking for Spirit. Her 19-year-old daughter, Brittany Granberry, was beginning a new chapter in her life with her son, Ryder. Brittany leaves behind her mother, her father (Adam Granberry), her stepfather (James Means), her brothers (John Hagen and Austin), and too many other family members and friends to name.
Although Spirit will always feel the hurt from losing her daughter, I pray that Brittany's personality and love will shine through in Ryder - and that Spirit and Ryder, along with Adam, James, John Hagen and Austin - are able to find some peace in knowing that God is still in control.
Most Holy and Precious Lord, I lift the Means and Granberry families up to you right now. You offer a peace that passes all understanding and You bring hope to the hopeless. I pray now that you will shower that peace and hope on these hurting families right now and for many days to come. God, You know what they need most; I pray that You will allow us (friends, church family, and extended family members) to do Your work and that we know how to minister to these families according to Your will. We love You and we continue to praise You through our trials and fear and lack of understanding. Amen.
Spirit - I love you and I offer you everything I have to help you get through this time. I believe that Ryder will offer you the support that you will so desperately need in the coming months; maybe even surprise you! Praying every day for your heart to heal and for a healthy John Hagen, Austin and Ryder.
I heard that a friend of mine lost her daughter this weekend - too soon. At 19, this beautiful girl had her whole life in front of her and a brand new baby boy to take care of. Nobody knows why it happens, we can't comprehend the pain that comes along with such loss, and it's impossible to find anything fair about it! It just happens and we can't do anything to stop it.
It sounds so cliche': "Live each day of your life as though it's the last." Is that possible? Every single day? Can we look past the little things that bog us down and away from that path where we take our blessings for granted?
My heart is breaking for Spirit. Her 19-year-old daughter, Brittany Granberry, was beginning a new chapter in her life with her son, Ryder. Brittany leaves behind her mother, her father (Adam Granberry), her stepfather (James Means), her brothers (John Hagen and Austin), and too many other family members and friends to name.
Although Spirit will always feel the hurt from losing her daughter, I pray that Brittany's personality and love will shine through in Ryder - and that Spirit and Ryder, along with Adam, James, John Hagen and Austin - are able to find some peace in knowing that God is still in control.
Most Holy and Precious Lord, I lift the Means and Granberry families up to you right now. You offer a peace that passes all understanding and You bring hope to the hopeless. I pray now that you will shower that peace and hope on these hurting families right now and for many days to come. God, You know what they need most; I pray that You will allow us (friends, church family, and extended family members) to do Your work and that we know how to minister to these families according to Your will. We love You and we continue to praise You through our trials and fear and lack of understanding. Amen.
Spirit - I love you and I offer you everything I have to help you get through this time. I believe that Ryder will offer you the support that you will so desperately need in the coming months; maybe even surprise you! Praying every day for your heart to heal and for a healthy John Hagen, Austin and Ryder.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Prayer for Healing
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I got a text from one of my closest friends about a boy that her daughter, Carrington, goes to school with. Michael Girard is an 11-year-old 6th grader from Richland Middle School. On February 2, 2011, Michael passed out at school and was rushed to the emergency room. It was discovered that he has a rare form of leukemia. In addition, it was discovered that there was a leak on the brain and his outcome is not a positive one. The family has been prepared for the worst and Michael is currently on life support. I do not know Michael or his family, but I promised to pray for the Girards.
I also told Jeff and the girls about the situation. Peyton took the news hard; I don't know if it was unsettling for her because they (Peyton, Carrington and Michael) are all so close in age or because it's just a tragic turn of events for a family that is very close and deeply involved in their church. Her immediate response was to call as many people from her youth group as she could and ask them to pray.
As she was getting ready for her shower, I think it finally hit her. Peyton started to cry and explained through tears that she was sad for Michael's family and she couldn't do anything to help them. I encouraged her to continue to pray for them. So, after her shower, Peyton joined Jeff and I in the living room where she prayed the most sincere, heartbreaking, honest prayer I have ever heard. She asked God to put His hands on Michael and to be with the family, and then she expressed her desire that Michael know the Lord intimately. Peyton also prayed that regardless of the outcome, which is hopefully for a miraculous healing, that a wonderful testimony can be used to further His kingdom. Her heart was breaking for this family - and I can understand her pain and that feeling of helplessness. My heart breaks for the parents of this sweet boy.
I would like to ask all of you reading this - even if it "all of you" is just one person - to PLEASE pray for Michael and his family. Whatever God's will is for this family, pray that God's peace and perfect will can be seen, felt, and heard in everything that follows this day!
I got a text from one of my closest friends about a boy that her daughter, Carrington, goes to school with. Michael Girard is an 11-year-old 6th grader from Richland Middle School. On February 2, 2011, Michael passed out at school and was rushed to the emergency room. It was discovered that he has a rare form of leukemia. In addition, it was discovered that there was a leak on the brain and his outcome is not a positive one. The family has been prepared for the worst and Michael is currently on life support. I do not know Michael or his family, but I promised to pray for the Girards.
I also told Jeff and the girls about the situation. Peyton took the news hard; I don't know if it was unsettling for her because they (Peyton, Carrington and Michael) are all so close in age or because it's just a tragic turn of events for a family that is very close and deeply involved in their church. Her immediate response was to call as many people from her youth group as she could and ask them to pray.
As she was getting ready for her shower, I think it finally hit her. Peyton started to cry and explained through tears that she was sad for Michael's family and she couldn't do anything to help them. I encouraged her to continue to pray for them. So, after her shower, Peyton joined Jeff and I in the living room where she prayed the most sincere, heartbreaking, honest prayer I have ever heard. She asked God to put His hands on Michael and to be with the family, and then she expressed her desire that Michael know the Lord intimately. Peyton also prayed that regardless of the outcome, which is hopefully for a miraculous healing, that a wonderful testimony can be used to further His kingdom. Her heart was breaking for this family - and I can understand her pain and that feeling of helplessness. My heart breaks for the parents of this sweet boy.
I would like to ask all of you reading this - even if it "all of you" is just one person - to PLEASE pray for Michael and his family. Whatever God's will is for this family, pray that God's peace and perfect will can be seen, felt, and heard in everything that follows this day!
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