In the last few months, I haven't been attending church. Well, except for a few sporadic Wednesday night meetings/Bible sessions with the youth group. I've allowed myself to use my physical pain and depression as a "reason" (*cough, cough* excuse) for not going, but then the guilt comes. So, to alleviate the guilt, rather than to pray and search God's word for the answer, my first instinct is to run away (or withdraw). I'm really good at that! Stress brings on pain, which brings on headaches, which elevates my depressive mood, and the cycle continues - so I run away. (Hmmm...not the right answer.)
My second instinct is to say, "I don't feel at home there. People judge me because I haven't been in so long. Let's just go to a new church." Jeff and I have talked about visiting other churches - but we always come back to "our church" - we're members of the church God has led us to. Based on our Christian beliefs, that should be the end of these feelings and thoughts, right? (Hmmmm....it's not.)
So basically, when I feel like I've exhausted every option to make myself feel better, it finally hits me - IF GOD ISN'T IN CONTROL, I can't do anything to feel better! DUH!
The Bible tells us that God will provide for all our needs (Genesis 22:14), that God will never leave us or forsake us (Joshua 1:5), that God loves us so much that He sent his only son, Jesus, to die a horrible death on the cross for us (John 3:16), and finally, GOD HAS ALREADY WON (Matthew 28)! The only thing we have to do is believe in Him and trust in Him and have faith that He will keep His promises to us. Why is that so hard to do? It sounds simple enough. God will do all these things; He's proved it time and again throughout the Bible times and throughout all of mankind, which is His own creation. Yet we struggle - I struggle.
Unfortunately, Satan is allowed to place the darkest, and often most enticing, temptations in front of us, but ultimately it's our selfish desire that causes us to sin. Figuring that out is very scary! Sin is dark and ugly and evil - everything that God is not. But the joy and the peace and the hope that comes from repentance of our sins WILL bring us back into the Light; full of joy, peace, hope and love that is not comparable to anything found on this earth. Amazingly enough, these wonderful things are available to us at no charge! (Hmmm....That's exciting!)
"It takes ____ weeks/months to relearn a good/healthy habit." (You can insert whatever number in that blank that you'd like - it all means the same.) It only takes ONE time to fall back into an old bad one, though. Missing church the first time made it easier to miss the second time and so on. Doing so has caused more heartache, bad choices, and sin than I care to recount. But, please don't misunderstand - the church isn't my saving grace. Going to church will not get me into heaven. Going to church will not magically transform my life into something greater than non-church-goers have. But going to church will surround me with like-minded believers that are only human, like me; they have the same issues I have and they have the same desire I have to draw nearer to God and remove the stain of sin from our lives.
I apologize to my church family for letting you down and giving into myself...because I was selfish and felt some sense of entitlement - I tried to blame it all on you for the reason things weren't going my way. What I should have been doing all along was talking to God, all day every day, believing that He placed all of you in my life for a reason, lifting you up in encouragement, and finally, most importantly, LISTENING TO WHAT HE WAS - and still is - SAYING!
I have a lot of growing up to do - spiritually speaking. And the first thing I need to work on is my prayer life; it isn't healthy. So, I will begin the day with prayer and Bible study immediately. I will pray hard and often, not just for others, but for myself as well - both are equally important. Next item on the list is to step out of my comfort zone and speak up when the opportunity presents itself - whether at home, on the soccer field, in the workplace, or even in the church (Yes, the church. We are made up of a bunch of humans and sometimes we don't handle things the right way the first time.). Finally, I'm going to work on not using "I" so much. Everything about Jesus was love and service for (and to) others. There's no reason to be focused on ME all the time. The selfish "clothes" are coming off. I want people to remember me for the love of Jesus that was shown to them, rather than for the selfish things I did for myself.
For those of you that don't know Jesus, the time has come for you to stand up and take note. You won't have a second opportunity when you're standing at the Pearly Gates. The Bible says in Revelation 20:12-15, "12 And I saw the dead, great and small, standing before the throne, and books were opened. Another book was opened, which is the book of life. The dead were judged according to what they had done as recorded in the books. 13 The sea gave up the dead that were in it, and death and Hades gave up the dead that were in them, and each person was judged according to what they had done. 14 Then death and Hades were thrown into the lake of fire. The lake of fire is the second death. 15 Anyone whose name was not found written in the book of life was thrown into the lake of fire."
Hell is a very real place. If you do not understand what the three verses above mean, then I invite you to email me at ghardin72@gmail.com and ask whatever questions you may have. I do NOT have all the answers, but will most certainly get the divinely-inspired answers for you - from the Bible, from my pastor, from those that have studied the Bible longer and more fervently than I have. For those who are sincere in their quest, their hearts, minds, and ears will be opened by the Holy Spirit and they will know the truth as it comes from the one true God.
Finally, I leave you with these thoughts from dcTalk, one of my favorite all-time Christian artists,
"What will people think when they hear that I'm a Jesus freak? What will people do when they find out it's true? I don't really care if they label me a Jesus freak; there ain't no disguising the truth!" Jesus Freak by dc Talk
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